Sunday, 05 July 2009

• Rambling Prayer in words of My Own

  Mary, if you’re listening… and Jesus, please tune in as well..
  I’m getting into fights over you, for what
  Racing up the cusp on the hill, with every last breath… I swear…
  Ill never flee from You again, but in the rush at its peak, into the
  Valley faster I plunge, into the darkness of hell, into a bitter fight
  Where I hide my face from the sun, where I run into the night..
  Hoping to purge away my sins from the light of Your face, Your love
  And bring an end to this body of death, this prayer of the dead
  Who remain living, like festering cavities inward turning.
  Running so hard, I can’t stop running so hard… can never have the
  Conversations that need to occur never really happen, yet the conversation is constant;
  I have no control, I sleep and I wake at the will of a body that is connected to me,
  Giving expression to my soul… this body of death, the one I am always using;
  To imitate the saints will bring about a racing grave of hell for suicide—
  I’ve lost all, no control when I sleep and when I wake, my body like a worn down machine
  Ceases without a continuous flow; into me ceased, out of me… all dried up.
  All my insides spent in hollowing themselves out, burnt fully to a crisp…
  I become a hollow shell, a voiceless whisper, a dying drone—
  Running again through nigh streets alone; Here I find my language, prayers carried away
  And drowned under the winds- a cover of deep darkness into which I bathe all my sins
  As I create purgatory and renounce your bright joy again.
  I’ve turned to Your Mother in a last attempt to impore some change or redemption
  When I can’t seek the Sun- but radiant with Your glory, her Holy Son—
  I am struck breathless by her, blowing wafting clouds, over the moon, dropping my pace…
  Calling down tired rain to wash away a baptismal grace I walked for, so long.
  The teetering, dizzy and unsteady steps of my route beytray the long hours of concentration
  I gave to training myself to do all but fall—no cupid, no seduction, now…
  No movement at all—I can’t give into You.
  I just don’t know how, to release this tightened grip on the ever-nearing now…
  The momentary precision, the flood of conversation which, overwhelming, drives me out
  Day by day—no surprises or mystery that I can’t control for—all is calculated and planned.
  No falling for me, though the best thing might be to surrender to You… as I think it through..
  I realize I am wondering the opposite way of my own heart’s longing, the desire to
  Abandon, to be caught in the sweet surrender and relinquish in helpless bliss the life
  I cannot maintain anyways. It is the desperation of broken body tearing up heart
  Which leads my cry as plunging into the depths of whirling spiritual adrenaline, I forget
  The truth of my over-exhaustion, because spiritual bodies I have imagined after,
  Have no kidneys to indicate over use and abuse of God’s holy temple, the death by desire.
  Submission, surrender, ridiculous… I’m struggling, fidgeting, fighting beneath the weight
  Of You whom I ache for, whom I invited into me… You tear my heart out, with the endless
  Embrace in which I am held, You bit into my heart, You devoured me, and emptied all
  The blood coursing in my veins so it could be You who filled me. Now that I left You,
  What’s to hold back, I am empty now, its all gone, I was vulnerble once, and then lost
  When I abandoned the first Lover I knew to lend my heart, my soul to another…
  I was a channel for grace, a cup to be poured out and run over, never empty, but
  You never completed the surgery; I guess I was scared after all, that first time I dared desire
  And want to give myself only to You; I felt creeping in the human ache of undesirable otherness
  Doing what I hate and perpetuating the misery that pulls us apart, how I love You.
  All the others whom I’ve given, who have taken without invitation… that intimacy we once had, nothing matters again—lithium tears fall like raining bullets, ringing into hell’s ears
  Like cascading marbles, drained out of me, into the depths of love’s endless sea for Leviathan to eat, though I have tempted him to eat me, the son of the devil, God’s mightiest beast…
  Deep calling to deep over the roaring waterfalls of my draining heart.
  And girl talking, self tormenting like a cognitively sick, invalid in self-restraining garb…
  Detrimental, the talk that rots and eats and tears us to bits… the open jaws, the hollow voice,
  The demon heart, the feeling-less choice… the vapor wafting out, nothing inside but rasping
  Gasping and coughing words, caught to be lost, hid to be heard… and in the beyond-empty
  Void in the case of this body, this shell… the dead soul rattling its skeletal keys…
  Am I that Bride, unwedded, You want me?
  
  
  

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